emily90

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 19:18:31 GMT

I just found out some terrible news...a girl i have always admired, just a year older than me, has been struggling with an eating disorder for nearly 2 years! And i never even knew. I had lunch with her and she always had maybe a salad, some cottage cheese or an apple but i just thought she ate really healthy! She always works out and plays sports and is soooo skinny and i wanted to be just like her. I thought "hey, she eats healthy and exercises and she looks great, i should do that too" but no, she its not healthy. I feel like all hope is lost, thats the only way. And what makes me more mad is that i used to throw up at school after lunch and i would have to wait for her to get out because i never wanted her to know, well now i know why SHE was always in there...the same reason i was. So one day i saw that she was in there but i went into the bathroom before she could see who it was....i went a head and just started throwign up, i wasn't going to leave unitl she left so when she did i came out but SHE WAS WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE HALLWAY TO SEE WHO IT WAS! She confronted me and told me i was skinny enough and that i didn't need to do that...how hipicrtical.... just had to get that off my chest.

Thu, 26 May 2005 06:06:39 GMT

I've finally realized that there is no way that i can post in others' journals and they can post in mine unless we're "friends"...i want to say so much to some of you! I'm just going to try to add as many friends as i possibly can but the only way to do that is usually by having them comment...it's like a vicious cycle. Need an extra friend? E mail me at BitOhoney88@aol.com...you add me, i'll add you

em

Thu, 26 May 2005 04:45:09 GMT

Hey huns
I'm so awake right now....anyone want to talk or is feeling lonley!? I do! I'm just so wired from that adderall...well anyway IM me. My sn is BitOhoney88 thats my email address to...just @aol.com

em

Thu, 26 May 2005 01:27:26 GMT

So i've done pretty good...not great but i'm happy i guess. For breakfast - starbucks coffee, lunch - half cup watermelon (if that), small portion of salad, non fat ranch (tastes like glue! so gross!) Dinner- pizza (exactly 320 calories) i'm sure thats not under 500...but close enough
And then...i snorted adderall for the first time today. It's everything they say it is...i've never done coke but i heard it feels like that. I'm not hungry and even the thoguht of food makes me sick! I just feel like i could do anything! I paid $5 for 5 pills (30mg) Thats a pretty good deal. I can't believe though, i mean i've NEVER done anything like this, i actually BOUGHT drugs! Weird...they are the XR and will last all day. So i'm wondering if i can actually not eat for four more days...

em

Tue, 24 May 2005 20:16:54 GMT

Hey Girls
(Sigh) I can't believe I'm doing this...I hope you take me back. I used to be hardcore into this site up until four months ago. Now i want to be in it again i guess, after stepping on the scale today and seeing 1-1-2...i just can't take it. I'm stronger than that. I've been to my goal and i remembered how good it felt...i miss the feeling but most of all i miss this community! Love you all Good job girls! (and maybe guys too)

em

sick

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 16:26:27 GMT

I'm sick home from school today, it really sucks. In case you didn't read my last post i stopped my fast at 44 hours and it was MY own desicion. I thought it would be ok since it was my idea and no one forced me to, but last night i was in bed and was thinking abotu it and i felt terrible! What the fuck is it going to take until i'm happy. Whats it going to have to be...50 hours, 60 hours...!? I can pretty much get away with not eating today cuz i'm sick..but even after that will i be satisfied. I'm like the kind of girl that has all these clothes in her closet, some with the tags still on but still has "nothing to wear" I'm spolied, there, i said it. Should i try to start another fast? Does anyone else feel like this?

em

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 21:12:18 GMT

Hello everyone...

I'm on my 44 hour...i feel dull to hunger but i'm so weak. I've never even gone over 24 hours. I think i'll stop here, sorry to disapoint you. I'm going to start with just chicken broth today (so maybe you don't even count that as real food) I've lost 4 pounds since sunday and now i'm down to 102! The lowest i've been in a very very long time, nearly 2 years! I want to be in the 90s so bad. I think tomorrow i'll eat again, nothing over 500 cals, and then begin a 2 day fast and repeat until i can make it to 3 days then 4 days....for the first time i actually feel like not such a pathetic failing loser

em

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 13:37:49 GMT

I'm on my 36th hour right now..if i could just make it till after school! Wish me luck, this is the longest i've EVER GONE

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 05:18:53 GMT

I am SO excited to read everyones posts! EVERYONE sounds like they are doing a great job! 20 hours...30 hours...good job! (I'm at 29 right now, record for me...i'll give you all the update again tomorrow)

em

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 22:10:33 GMT

Hey everyone! Just got back from school...i think i actually might make it today! (Go the full 24 hours with out eating! I haven't done this since i had the flu back in November!) There will be days that i just eat an apple or so but nothing...i can do it! I have to leave for work in about 20 and i can't eat there and don't get off till 9 pm....and the last time i ate was 7 pm YESTERDAY So for sure i'll make it once i get to work...just 20 more minutes to resist before i leave. Today at lunch was so easy cuz my friend chelsea didn't eat today either and we were actually kind of talking abotu ana stuff. Like how long do you think you could go without eating...i really want a real life ana friend. (or at LEAST someone to skip lunch with!) I prolly looked really stupid but i plugged my nose so i couldn't smell my friends pb and j...they were all lauging about it! Hey, it really really worked though! I'm going to read some posts until the second i have to leave the house!

em

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:17:11 GMT

I posted earlier today about my ana bracelet breaking lastnight at my boyfriends house...well i couldn't stand not seeing it on my right wrist, so i made another one! (Just to let you all know) Now i'll be able to sleep peacfully tonight!

em

Broken ana bracelet = broken heart

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 16:06:44 GMT

Good morning...or whatever if you live on the east coast...

I'm really frustrated right now, the gym doesn't open till 12 and i'm REALLY in the mood to work out right NOW! I'll just have to make myself busy so i don't eat or somthing. I already had a cup of chex cereal (110 cal.)

I'm soooooooooooooo sad....i made an ana bracelet like back in october and i've NEVER taken it off for anything! Not even if i'm wearling like a nice dress and it doesn't match, i would refuse! So anyway, i was at alex's house last night and it broke!!!! I was soooooo sad! I was like, i don't even feel like doin anything anymore! (of COURSE i was kidding but i was really heartbroken) And then he kept asking me why it meant so much to me and so i just was honest with him and told him it was like a "reminder not to eat" (I mean he's a guy, how else am i supposed to explain it..) And he's all liek "GOOD! I'm glad it broke! YOu don't need that...i don't want to hug a skeleton!" He's gunna be mad if he sees another one on me....i plan on making one today, sorry baby.

em

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 20:40:38 GMT

Today: Not off to a bad start. 3oz of celery (15 calories)..and then the dip so about 45 calories. Luckily i got up around 11 so i just combined that as my lunch and breakfast. Just finished a latte....290 calores...i know, i know, but i'm soooo full! I can't even suck in! Plus it's just liquid anyway...and hey, i gotta some calcium with that too.

Well i think i'll head off to the gym...i HAVE to work out cuz Alex is taking me out to dinner tonight...(i get so sad when i hear those words: so you wanna go out to eat tonight, i'm just like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh movie sound good?) I don't want him to think i have some sort of "problem". I serioulsy bet it is a turn off to guys.

em

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 19:50:11 GMT

Question....can we suggest that someone be kicked out of the community?

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 19:53:45 GMT

I've been trying to fast for at least 24 hours but i always fuck up in the twenties with somthing stupid, like a bagel, or crackers...! My longest has been 22 hours...pretty pathetic i know. Last night i had some noodles around 8, threw up ,then went to bed...the next morning i woke up with the WORST stomach ache...i can't remember the last time i felt that hungry but i shrugged it off and had soem tea, went to school. Then when i came home today my mom offered me to go out to lunch and i agreed. I cut up everything i had into fourths...but that still wasn't good enough so when i came home i threw up AGAIN! NOTHING is good enough! I felt so guilty on saturday when all i had was a salad....but i think i'm slippn back into mia. I hate this...

On a lighter note, today i started reading the book wasted. Haven't really got into any serious parts yet, she's still going through what could have started her ED when she was 5.....yes 5!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Well at least thats when she'd cry all the time about being fat, but at age 9 she actually started self induced vomitting...) But i don't want to go into too much detail, read it for yourself.

em

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 04:03:31 GMT

Hey everyone...today was probably was one of the worst days i've ever had. Sorry for the negative. Tomorrow could be a big step for me, i'm going to try to not eat all day, not even an apple...serioulsy i havne't done this in liek a couple of weeks. I know this might sound so stupid, a lot of you are doing so great.

My mom has "reason to believe" i've been throwing up again. Today she talked to my therapist about it and that stupid bitch suggest they my mom just not let me go to the bathroom after i eat or she has to stand by the door! What do i do now! When i heard that, my palms started to sweat...This is rediculous, they had that dumb rule when i was in a treatment facility, not at my own HOUSE! She just needs to accept the fact that occasionally when i do feel sick that i've ate too much, i'm gunna throw up, big deal. I mean you would serioulsy think that after knowing about this for 3 years she would just stop bitchin...i'm not dead!

Again sorry for the negative post, but there was really nothing good about today, expecially the eating part. Some encouregment would be great to hear before i go to school tomorrrow...i better not eat!

em

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 05:11:36 GMT

So we went out to dinner tonight...i felt so full and fat, i went to the bathroom to throw up. My mom walked in right as i flushed the toliet. When i came there was a splater on my shirt but that was from the SINK! (I ALWAYS take off my shirt when i throw up just for that very reason) So she accused me of throwing up and i said no, and shes like, em...you did...so i just said whatever and walked out. It's not that big of a deal. She knows i do and she just needs to accept the fact.....

em

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 01:15:23 GMT

hey

Well...i had a so so day. I'm not even sure what i weigh though. At the gym it said 108.5 and i nearly cried...but at home it still remains around 106 and compared to the doctors thats three pounds more than the doctors scale so i don't even know...it's a scary thought to not know the exact ounce. Anyone know a good brand of scale, price is not an problem.

We went out for lunch today at a really nice restraunt, they had the largest brunch buffet i've ever seen! I had a salad...why do i do this to myself! But at least i did good. Good girl...right?

We are leaving to go out to dinner again tonight...i'll order something seafood and since its japaneese i don't think they have salads, thats prolly the healthiest option.

I did go to the gym today...it was so crowded, after getting off the tredmill -178 calories later, i got pissed and just left. I'll try again tomorrow. I just really wanted to burn 500 calories.....shoot

luv
em

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 15:35:12 GMT

Wow, for once i like made a right move. This morning when i woke up i was like so hungry, but not really hungry, just more bored, and i started like opening cabnits and staring on the inside of the fridge, and then i was like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! And when strait to here...read like the last 60 posts! Thanks so much guys to all of you who are here! I KNOW i couldn't do it with out you.

I'm a victim to the anaisfordmbfcks stupid little comments on my journal as well...she/he posted in my journal and it was before i even heard anything about this person and then i started reading and it looks liek everyone is getting attacked...and YES that's what i'd call it...attacked. We dont' want to listen to it alrigh, i'm sure we hear enough of it from parents, doctors, friends, boyfriends, and if we wanted to hear more of it then we wouldn't be in this community. Does that make sence?

Hope everyone has a lovely day

em

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 21:08:51 GMT

Hey

Jeeeeeeeeeeeez.....i just wrote a really long entry then accidently deleated it!! Guess i'll just have to start over

Today i'm already up to like 500 calories...and Colby is takin me out to dinner tonight. He doesn't know anything about my weird eating habbits or that i'm freaked out about gaining weight. I'll just try not to make a big deal about it or anything

Yesterday i didn't do all that great but i just had a lot of self control. They had these one chicken sandwiches at lunch but i was like "no way!" and got half a cup of chili instead and then before work i had one of those like frozen weight watcher meals (260) and then at work we had to do inventory and they had like a pizza party after hours and stuff and i had the SMALLEST piece of pizza i could find! And it was so good too...but so wrong. We could have had 3 pieces but i gave my other two to some guy friends. Then we all FIANLLY got out of there at like 11:15 and went to perkins and i din't even order anything! Ken was making a big deal about it and telling everyone that it was because i was anorexic, ok like he would even know that....but whatever he wants to think.

I found this really cool website that can tell you your BMI and how many calories you can burn for all these different activities and prolly the best thing it has is that you can type in your current wieght, and the wieght you wanna be and then you put how long you want till you want to reach your goal and then it tells you how many calories you need to burn a day! It's awesome! I need to go workout now...i have to burn 602........suck!

em

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 20:20:53 GMT

I feel so bad for not posting for nearly a week...or even reading posts. I've skimmed through some but it just seems like i never have time. In result, i've gained 2 pounds! So now i'm back up to 106! It blows...it's my fault, so now i just know that i need this community more than i thought!

Last week at school you could pay 50 cents and have a candygram sent to someone for fun....like you fill their name out on a paper and then the last day of school before break they get delivered and you can write a message on it or something, kind of cheesy i know, but get this...someone sent me one (didn't have a name) and it said "You're about as skinny as this candy cane...eat somthing." Can you believe that! I almost started crying but at the same time, was so happy! They are probably just jelous any way!

Well we leave town in a couple days for X mas........i'm really nervous about not being able to post and read entries, i'll prolly gain another 2 pounds.......and then i'll be almost back where i was a month and a half ago! Man! I was doing so good too!! I just need to do better...have a happy holiday! And stay away from eggnog!

em

Book Talk

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 22:31:30 GMT

Is anyone reading, or have read the Best Little Girl in the World by Steven Levenkron? I just started it today and can't put it down...! I'd like to know what you guys think of it.

luv em

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 06:24:26 GMT

Hey everyone! I love mondays! It's such a fresh new start (i usually do pretty bad on the weekends) and i actually started our right! At school i had a bagel.....that was dumb, then came home, went to work til 10, came home again and had some soup broth (20 calories) and i'm proud to say thats it, didn't even pick at stuff. AND i was really pround at work we had left over cookies at the end of the night they put in the break room and i was telling myself, ok you can have one, and then on the way out i walked right by the table and was like "your better than that cookie, don't do it! It's not worth it!" and then got out of there and didn't even think twice about it, hey now, thats improvement for me as lame as it sounds. Well i better be off to bed, it's midnight here and i'm tired...goodnight! Love you all!

em

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 21:31:22 GMT

Just back from school......then in about 15 minutes off to work. Then it looks like i'll be getting back around 9:45, time for a lil homework then off to bed...which means, no time to eat...awww too bad...haha.

Today at school I did have a plaine bagel...about 3 1/2 inches in diameter...does anyone know how many calories that is, it's killing me. I know this much, it's the only thing i'm gunna eat all day.

I love mondays...and all the other weekdays. They are just sooo much more structured.

em

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 00:27:23 GMT

Hey everyone...

I can't believe how pathetic i do on the weekends...but i guess i'm still trying to get back on track because my "usual diet" or lack their of...what disturbed last week when i was staying at a friends because the 'rents were out of town.

So i was at a hotel party last night...some kids were takin adderal! One of them happend to be my nighbor...so at least now i know where i can get my hands on some...i need to give him a call. I asked him where he got it last night, but he was too high to answer the question thuroughly...its like talking to a wall when shawn's stoned.

I think in the past 4 days or so i havn't lost any weight..in fact i'm sure i've gained some. My scales is so inconsistant..it's weird, i want to get a really expensive one that is acurate down to the last tenth...anyone know any good ones? Haha i'm sure my mom would love it if i ask for a scale for christmas.......not!

em